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Talk:Jump
I finished this story. “It was a gorgeus day on the island of Orious. The birds chirped their regular peaceful melody as the predators of the forest began their daily hunt. The island's lush green trees towered over the life it hid, reaching and almost grasping the sky with it's fresh, soft emerald leaves. The twin suns threw light out to the trees as they hanged proudly within the everlasting blue skies. Clouds of a welcoming shade of grey swam slowly and calmly in this sky. The island of Orious was blooming with beauty.” Nice opening paragraph here. Sets the setting well, I know where we are. Typo, though. “On such wonderful days as this, the Matoran of Orious would go out and enjoy the land's wonders, they would collect it's rich healthy berries, climb it's long jolly trees, walk it's smiling roads, and embrass it's warmth and light. But on this day, the Matoran focused their attention towards something else entirely, on this day they admired and awed at a particularly large tree that's very peak had ascended past the villager's sight. Indeed, this was a big tree, perhaps one of the largest on the island. But it's size is not what made this tree so unusual and amazing, the fact that it had rooted itself within one of the villager's buildings is what made this tree unique.” Oooook. You don’t have enough commas. I added commas in red. “wonders, they” This is a run-on sentence. Use a colon instead of a comma here. In fact, you have a problem with run-on sentences. From now on, I will highlight these in BLUE. “It’s” is another major problem. They’re all supposed to be “its”. From now on, these are highlighted in PURPLE. Lastly, I think "smiling" is used a bit awkwardly. Just my opinion. “Customers of Roik's Cafe had forgotten completely about their coffee, they stood there gazing at the large bulky tree before them. Almost a minute ago normality reigned, the Matoran had bought their coffee and were just beginning to settle into the morning. Then, a bright flash of green light had erupted from the center of the shop, resulting in a large swirling mass of twisted colors and powerful energies and then, when the moment for realization finally came to the Matoran, this very tree had shot out of this energy pool which led them to their current situation.” You’re missing another comma. “The scope on Toa Breyol's matatu buzzed and swirled as it focused it's lenses on the large tree within the cafe. Though the Toa was not present in the tree's sudden growth in the cafe, he had quickly caught a glimpse of it from his post within the village. Breyol's head moved up as he continued to scan the tree, and his vision would ascend up the wooden structure until his gaze met it's peak which it eventually did.” '' Matatu. Capitalized. I added the word "and" in a sentence as well. “Breyol was an odd type of Toa, he was what some would call emotionless. He reacted to very little, talked seldom, and kept his gaze forwards towards the horizon, never stopping to reward attention to whoever pestered him. Given this trait, it was rather rare that the Toa of gravity would react to anything, the only thing he had ever reacted to was his transformation into a Toa. But seeing this tree, or more specifically it's peak made Breyol's eye widen slightly in surprise.” ''“Breyol was an odd type…” Good! Descriptions! Very, very good! Gravity, capitalized. And, now that I think about it, “peak” seems to be the wrong word for the top of the tree. Try “canopy” , or “apex”. This bit is just a personal opinion. “What lay on the tree’s peak was a thing, no, a person, and that very soul upon the tree’s peak was waving at Breyol. Breyol blinked in disbelief and he then zoomed in on the figure at the tree’s top.” '' Couple of typos. ''“Breyol once again blinked in confusion and continued to look at the tree’s top until he felt something crawl on his shoulder, he looked to his shoulder expecting some curious Rahi, only to find a brown hand resting itself with it’s black fingers hanging lazily. The hand was attached to a being, a very tall being that turned his gaze towards the large tree in the distance and leaned on Breyol’s shoulder with all his weight, causing Breyol to slightly lose his footing.” Missing commas, minor typo. From now on, I skip all other run-on sentences, “it’s”, and other syntax errors. “grit his teeth” A little too much repetition with this phrase. They’re too far apart to be repeated stylistically. Ok, so, now for an overall view. I’d classify this as a “slice of life” short story, one without a strong plot. These seem to have been gaining much popularity in CBW since Rando wrote his contest-winning “To Ascend”. Correct me if I’m wrong, that’s just my observation. In a slice of life, since the plot kind of just propels itself forward, character interaction is what glues it together. Your light banter between the Elmian and the Toa certainly achieves this. I can imagine your Toa completely confused and shocked by this strange fellow. Good bit of talking with Meyn as well at the end. Breyol and her have a fairly colourful conversation there, a nice way to wrap up this story. This was an enjoyable short story, yet not without some faults. I think all you have to do is go for a double check, either yourself, or with a beta reader. (Though I basically just beta’d your fic, lol) 'Talk | Stories | ''Bionicle: CCG '''